Got Nuffin'

Posted by Drew Coffman | | Posted On Monday, June 7, 2010 at 9:22 AM

Last night I was up particularly late and, realizing that I needed to attempt sleep, I stopped working and tried to rest. Finding this "sleep" thing more difficult than I imagined, I turned on a documentary which had been recommended to me. The film was about a married 47-year old family man who used an internet chat room to create a much younger online persona and court a 17-year old girl. While the lies he was telling seemed relatively harmless to him in the beginning, the relationship required more and more lies in an effort to maintain the charade. Unbeknownst to him, these lies held up lies the other party was telling, and the initial "harmless" lies began to affirm those lies, and create new lies, and the tangled mess ended up hurting innocent people in very serious ways.

I finished the documentary and lay in bed in a state of sleeplessness, thinking about what it was to essentially create a fictional person like this man did, from thin air. What it was to create a second life which wasn't real. What it was to pretend to be somebody you weren't. I came to the conclusion that the lies may in some ways come natural to people - aren't we all in some way living a life which doesn't fully represent our true selves? Rex Baeber, a psychologist who weighed in on the documentary, had a rather poignant statement about the human condition during his interview - "From my perspective . . . what's to be learned from this will sound when first said to be just childishly simple: Be nice, don't lie. If this interview took place a million years from today, 'be nice, don't lie' will still be good advice not taken."

Earlier that night at my home church I brought up a thought I had been reflecting on over the past week. This previous Monday I helped out with a homeless outreach in downtown St. Petersburg, where we made 150 peanut butter and jelly sandwich sack lunches as well as large containers of water and iced coffee. We drove to a few different locations, distributing the food to those in need. At one particular stop, City Hall, we pulled up and a crowd quickly began to form. However, there were homeless people all around the block, many being out of sight, and a friend and I decided to walk the block and tell people about the free food being served. Coming back full circle to the van, I was part of a small crowd of people we had gathered up. It hit me that, for anyone passing by me, I could easily be mistaken as part of the crowd. I could easily be just another homeless man walking to the van to get my free sandwich. Then, the very next day I ended up in a large upscale mall. I walked through Neiman Marcus, and while I made my way through the store I stopped to look at the ties - my weakness!! - and almost laughed at the price tags, well over a hundred dollars for each tie. I was politely greeted by an employee, who asked if I would like to be fitted for anything. It struck me there, declining an employee in a store well out of my price range - how could I go from being mistaken for a homeless man to being mistaken for someone who is very affluent in a 12-hour period?

I am not homeless. I am not incredibly well-off. Neither of these things truly describe me.

As I lay in bed thinking about this all, I looked out my window and realized the sun was out. I thought how I was so much more than any assumption, label, or definition. I felt full of energy and got up, put on shoes, grabbed a thermos, and walked out the door. With no specific purpose I started to run. I reached the end of my neighborhood and started formulating a game plan in my mind. I asked myself where was I running to? How long should I run? Midway through formulating this plan on where my run would take me and how long it should last, I realized that I was slowing down and pacing myself in an attempt to reserve energy for the way back. All of a sudden this was too much like the thoughts I had been going over only minutes ago. I realized that if I created a plan, I was simply placing assumptions on myself. I was assuming how long I could last, assuming when I would tire, and assuming where I would most want to be. I realized I was looking back at the neighborhood I had just left to see how far I had gone and how long it would take to get back. I didn't want to live that way - I resolved that I wanted to run like I had nothing to lose.

So I ran, refusing to look back behind me. It dawned on me that the morning jogger in front of me had before been a subconscious marker of distance, and in my new uncaring state for where I was the figure stopped being an anchor to where I was and became a figure who only bobbed up and down - I could no longer make out if they were coming towards me or going away from me. It didn't matter. Only the running mattered. I took a turn and ran towards a bridge taking me to the beach. I realized that the cars passing by might take me for another morning jogger on a daily run, which made me think again of who I was and who I was not.

I am not a runner. I am not not a runner. Neither of these things truly describe me.

I continued running (sometimes, when I felt ready to split at the seams, walking . . . it would be rather pointless to write these thoughts, partially based on the futiliuty of lies, if I decided to now exaggerate the truth) and a song came to the forefront of my mind, and it's chorus became my mantra as I pushed forward without a true destination. The chorus, from the song "Got Nuffin'" by Spoon goes -

When I know you’re watching out for me
I look for what matters
And I notice what matters
And I got nothing to lose but
Darkness and shadows
Got nothing to lose but
Loneliness and patterns

Click to listen - Got Nuffin' - Spoon

I didn't want to retain any energy for a trip back. I realized that nothing mattered. I wanted to run until I had nothing left in me, which was the only way to live. I wanted to stop hiding and reserving, stopping and starting, attempting to hold up things which were assumptions. The goals meant nothing. The holding back of energy was pointless. I wanted to run like nothing mattered - and live the same way. What did I have to lose in my run? Nothing but a pattern. What did I have to lose in a life where I stopped the frivolous assumptions? Nothing but shadows.

Who am I? A vessel for Christ. Any assumptions made about me don't matter. The way in which I serve Him may be unique, it may have it's own shape and beauty, but it will never compare to the more important shape of the Christ burning bright inside of me.

I look for what matters, and find I have nothing to lose.